Dear Ex Flame,
You left me at the most difficult phase of my life, when my family was tearing apart with the diagnosis of my father’s lung cancer. You continued to ensure that I was inflicted in pain when you decided to get attached less than a month after we broke up and decided that it was a good idea to tell me about it and how you felt like she was first-love to you. You added me back TWICE on facebook so that I would be able to see the lovey-dovey photos of you and your girlfriend just to remind me that you were over between you and me.
I was thrown into hell and I was pertually crying every single day. I would walk the road home where you’d walk me home and cry my way home, only having to quickly dry my tears up for fear that my worried mum and ill-strickened dad would see them. I would then flash a winning smile when I was back home to remain upbeat and positive about things at home even though my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and was in pain.
The buses would take me to places we used to visit and I would inevitably think of the happy times that we were together. The images were so real that I thought you were beside me, only to snap out of my day-dream to realise that I was all alone.
It was so hard to be happy throughout the years before I started to learn how to pick myself up. You were my best friend, you were the one who made me laugh, you were the one who should have stood by me, but you were also the one who made me so vulnerable that you hurt me so much that I would be so afraid to get into another relationship.
The remaining years in university only gave you more chances to inflict more pain in me with you continuing to give me the cold shoulder and hurling sarcastic and snide remarks to me when we were sadly and unfortunately grouped together in the same projects. I tried all means to stay away from you because the time spent with you equated to the time that I’d need to recover back to my happy self. We remained strangers, but this time with memories.
I remember you apologising for all the hurt that you had caused me when you broke up with your gf then halfway through university and I thought that we were ready to become friends all over again. Nevertheless, you ensured that my hopes were thrashed with the snide remarks that continued till we graduated from university. I thought that was it. I would never have to face you again.
We ended up joining the same company in a different business unit and I was coincidentally grouped into the same orientation group as you and we ended up talking like old friends all over again. I was ready to be embrace you as a friend in my life again, only to have you giving me the cold shoulder when we next met up at Abigail’s wedding where you were a brother and I was a sister for the couple.
Things started to ease when we’d bump into each other every year at the annual company games and we’d be able to talk like old friends, catching up on our lives and reminiscing the past, but I knew deep down that I was still afraid to step on your toes. You were a ticking timebomb.
It was so hard to find closure to that chapter of my life, not only because of the happy memories that we once shared when we were together, but because of the reminder of the misery and hurt and pain that I had to go through during that period of time and the fear of having you tear me apart emotionally with your sarcasm.
When we finally met up again with the university friends yesterday, I knew that I had found closure when you offered to carry my heavy diaper bag, pay for my lunch and when you carried Jayden and had so much fun with him. It was then that I realised that you were happy for me. It was then that I had forgiven you for the past. It took me 5 years to forgive and find closure.
Confessions of a Kiasu Mum 