Giftedness

Have you ever wondered what is giftedness? I started seeing signs of giftedness in Jayden when he started being verbal. He was intense, creative and grasped concepts quickly. I was ploughing the internet to find out more and I’d realise that he ticked off all the characteristics of a gifted toddler. In case everyone was thinking that a gifted kid was a nerd who was simply smart, that isn’t true.

Then I read that giftedness is inherited and the more I read up about the emotional aspect and the over sensitivity, I’d realise that I was everything like that as a kid, only that my parents weren’t very supportive of that and insisted that I was sensitive.

Lately I stopped the boys’ Swimming classes because we were sick and tired of having to stick to a certain schedule and decided that we were done with the poor management of happy fish. I joined the a teaching swimming online class – Uswim and bought the “how to teach your baby how to swim” by Douglas doman (Glenn Doman’s Son) so that I could teach my children how to swim.

I couldn’t swim and was in fact even afraid of Swimming because I had drowned as a kid before in the Swimming pool, but the desire to teach my children was so strong that it helped me overcome my fear. The more I read, the more I learnt about Swimming and because I had to teach the boys how to swim, I had conceptualised the techniques of how to swim in my head and just this weekend, I actually swam independently. I was so good at it that I even beat The hubs at swimming. Jayden cheered so much for me and I showed him how light but quick kicks were more crucial at being quick.

I finally understood what giftedness is all about – it’s the ability to pick up something that you are interested in so easily and so quickly on your own. It’s also how we delve deep into something that we are so interested in till we master it. It’s about the passion that we have when we find a meaning in doing something. All these motivation needs to be innate and not be forced.

There there, I sort of finally found a meaning in my life I guess? Need to work towards it and become a better mother

Playground horrors

Jayden wanted to play in the playground. Daddy was busy offering food to Jayrius and I was finishing up my dinner. I heard a loud cry that sounded so familiar. My eyes darted across the playground and scanned the entire area for Jayden. I spotted him and saw a group of boys around him. I walked over, trying to calm myself down. I was afraid because….. I couldn’t fathom it myself. Maternal instincts were kicking in and I was sure that I’d fight for my son.

“Just ignore him. He’s not right.” I heard one of the older boys say to his friend.

I swooped right in to join the crowd. Adrenalin rushed in and I was on defence mode. I was all ready to protect Jayden and I was sure that I had to, for myself or for Jayden. I thought that I was losing it, but surprisingly managed to focus on a crying Jayden.

“What’s wrong?” I asked Jayden gently. He was incoherent and sobbing really hard. The boy who was seemingly the most vocal one of the lot answered, “He climbed up the slide and that’s wrong.” I was furious. Kids don’t discern who are their foes or allies. I wasn’t there to listen to them tell me how they ganged up against MY son.

“What’s wrong with climbing up the slide?” I retorted. Nobody could answer. Seizing the opportunity to get back at the boys, I continued, “Who is to say what’s right and what’s wrong? Are there rules and regulations written around here? He was just trying to play at the playground by his own rules. Did you see him going up the slide?” The boy replied, “Yes I did.”

I added, “Could we then have taken turns and allowed him to climb up before you have a go at sliding down the slide?” The boy seemed convince, “Yeah, we could but……” He drifted off and moved away and the pack dispersed.

I carried Jayden up and hugged him. “Mummy, can you play with me?” Jayden asked. “Sure, I could.” I replied. “I want you to slide down with me.” He said. I did and left him on his own not long to go back to my prata after 5 minutes. He played very well on his own after that.

I sat down and focussed on my own emotions there and then. I’d realise that a huge part of why I felt anxious and furious when I heard Jayden crying and then seeing him being in the center of the older boys stemmed from the fact that I was the target of bullies throughout my primary up till my lower secondary years. Looking at Jayden being in that compromised situation, being the smallest and youngest amongst them all, really evoked a lot of negative emotions of my past and my inability to cope with my situation back then; It was like watching half of my life replay in fast forward mode. I made a mental note to guide my boys to use words to stand up for themselves. I told myself that I would be there for him and empower him to have the confidence to get out of such situations on his own next time.

Not conforming to social norms really sticks out like a sore thumb and being different subjects one to bring the target of bullies. People take pride in bringing others down because they gain confidence from that. I will need to guide the boys on how to gain confidence innately and to protect themselves, because confidence builds resilience and resilience is grit and success in life.

I also realised that I was key in providing that confidence to Jayden. He saw me as God and his protector and when he needed help, he was watching how I would deal with those people. Would I just tell him to let it go? Or stand up for him? I hope that through what he saw, he would be able gain the confidence to stand up for himself when he’s ready.

Learning languages

I have always spoken in English to Jayden most of his life. His main mode of instruction is in English. When he was younger, I used to speak to him in English and then translate it to Chinese, but when I went back to work, usage of Chinese was minimal.

I have tried so hard to get the hubs and in laws to speak to Jayden in Mandarin to not much avail. Although he understands mandarin, he chooses to reply us in English. Consequently, the hubs and in laws always use their broken English on Jayden, resulting in Jayden speaking grammatically incorrect sentences eg. I doing xxx instead of I am doing xxx. It frustrates me and I constantly correct the husband on it, till the extent that he thinks I’m undermining him. Well, why have I got to keep correcting him if he’d just make an effort to remember how to construct proper sentences? Argh! These men just don’t get it.

So anyway, there was a point in time where Jayden was constantly telling me that he hated Chinese and for us not to speak in Mandarin and it was a rude awakening to me how little Chinese we spoke at home. I started borrowing more cute chinese books from the library and made an effort to speak more mandarin at home. It’s frustrating at times because I need to be THE ONE who teaches Jayden how to speak proper English (since his dad pollutes him with all the grammatically bad English) and also be the one who tries to make him love Chinese being speaking more to him with the limited time I have with him after work. It’s really sad sometimes. Finally, after many months of doing so, Jayden seemingly speak more Mandarin now sometimes even uses English and mandarin interchangeably!

I decided to challenge him a little and set my mind to teach him another foreign language. I love languages and have always wanted to learn more languages, so I wanted him to take up French so we can learn together. However, the class at the French Toast was so boring that he hated it. Then I decided on trying out Spanish class at the Spanish Academy, but Jayden was bored to tears too because the lesson was so slow. We’d spend 1 hour learning colours and even I got it within 30 mins into the lesson. How could I then teach him another language at home on my own? The answer – learn the language myself.

I went to download the app “Duolingo” and started learning Spanish on my own firSt. It really isn’t as difficult picking up Spanish because its sentence structure is pretty similar to English, except that they have male and female and their adjectives are placed at the back of the sentence instead of the front. So I started seeing things around and using Spanish to describe those things. There are times he still tells me – I don’t want you to speak in Spanish, but there are a lot of times whereby we’d be talking and then whenever I break up in Spanish, he’d ask, “What’s xxx in Spanish?” He now knows how to count from 1-10 in Spanish and knows his colours in Spanish. We still have a long long way to go!

Here’s us lying in bed together, talking about everything under the sun

Blue house atelier

Brought Jayrius to blue house atelier’s drop in session today which is almost the first time I’m bringing him out myself except for immunisation and he really enjoyed himself! The 宅男 is finally going out together with mama!

I still love this place so much from the first time I visited when Jayden was 14 months or so. It’s Reggio based so they believe in child led play and the “toys” there are all very open-ended. The pastel neutral colours give you this really calming effect the moment you step in and I can just lie down there on the cushions the whole 2 hours leaving Jayrius to explore the items there.

Jayrius particularly loved the mirrors and found himself really amusing. He’s also into a projectile schema whereby he’d realise that an item makes a sound when dropped on the floor after throwing. Love how he tried so hard to crawl up those wavy cushions to get to the other baby, but couldn’t manage it because they were too high. Hopefully next time he’d discover that he can actually tackle that cushion from the other end.

Motivating a toddler to pack their toys

It’s a challenge motivating the toddler to keep his things after playing. We used to practise pouring out things and keeping them when he was much younger. He’d mimic my actions and keep them back into their boxes. I forgot when did it start, but Jayden started getting so busy that he’d move on to another activity before cleaning up. Then we got a helper and Jayden became even more dependent on the helper to clean up. It worried me when one day, after much nagging for him to clean up after his play, he replied, “No, I don’t want to pack up.”

“Then who is going to clean up after you?” I retorted.

“Jie Jie (my helper) will clean.” He replied.

It got me so worried. What kind of child was I bringing up? Someone who’d conveniently just have someone at his beck and call and not lift a finger to work?

So I chanced upon this video from this Taiwanese PD who gave tips on how to encourage children to clean up after themselves and I tried it out today and to my surprise, it worked. He mentioned to treat cleaning up as a game to motivate the young children to pack the toys up. Well, my helper was at it, asking Jayden to clean up to no avail again and so I tried.

“Jayden do you want to park all the vehicles back into the carpark like how daddy parks his car?” I asked him.

“Carpark? The box?” He questioned.

“Yup.” I replied and waited. Within seconds, he quietly got busy and I watched that magical moment from behind as he slowly placed each vehicle into the box, making sure that they were parked neatly in one direction, before stacking them. He even left out those 3 trees (which don’t belong in the same category) which my helper had previously conveniently placed inside because she couldn’t be bothered to place them back into the jungle figurine box.

Slowly but surely, I’d figure out how the boys tick. Slowly but surely, I will make them move.

Natural consequences

I just wanted to share a blogpost on Natural consequences and how it puts parenting kids into perspective and makes me rethink the effectiveness of illogical punishment. I grew up with my mother using a cane to beat me when I was deemed as “naughty” and locking me out of the house because I cried incessantly and refused to listen to her (in retrospect, I was crying because I wanted to be heard, but I was locked up).

I love my mum and my mother loves me to bits and would render any help to me when needed. We just cannot agree on our parenting styles and a lot stems from how traumatised I still am in my growing up years. I cannot bear to inflict those emotional turmoil to the kids as they grow up. We haven’t got about to punishing the kids yet, not yet, but the urge is so strong sometimes and it takes a lot of mindfulness to control that anger.

Today while changing Jayden’s PJs during bedtime routine, Bryan struggled. As Jayden ran out of the bedroom into the living room, I saw Bryan getting frustrated and he raised his hand and then patted Jayden’s butt. It is difficult at times and there i can understand why people would scream and shout/beat their kids because anger takes over you. We need to constantly remember to control ourselves and not lose it.

Self actualization

My parents used to drill into me that I had to study hard in order to do well in life. They were the typical parents who had grown up during the era of Singapore’s growth where there were a lot of hardship and success was measured by grades and quantity. When they had us, they naturally inculcated the same growth mindset in us as we grew up.

It was easy measuring my own worth and success by grades. I was naturally a high achiever and I ensured that I had good grades and joined the CCAs that would give me a good testimonial. I thought that I knew what I wanted in life – to study hard, get good grades and get a good job that pays well.

Growing up and starting my life in a prestigious primary school, I was constantly comparing my grades with others and measuring my worth against others. If I couldn’t do what others could, I’d pit myself against them and make sure I worked harder than them. Rote learning was the way to go and practicing TYS was crucial in getting the As. There was nothing that I couldn’t do as long as I put in enough effort. There wasn’t any joy in learning. There was nothing in particular that I enjoyed or had a passion for. I enjoyed that subject because I did well in it. I relished in my ability to complete a question and how fast I could finish up that paper. My worth was measured by how many marks I would get for that exam.

When O levels were over, I despised those that went into poly, thinking that they’d probably had poor grades and couldn’t make it to JC, but yet deep down I knew that I envied them for being able make a decision for their future and for being able to know what they wanted in life. I continued into JC, simply because I wanted to delay making that decision. In JC, I chased after good grades again because good grades would get me into university.

When I eventually did well enough in A levels to choose most courses in university, I realised that I still did not know what I wanted in life. So I chose Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering, because it was a prestigious course. It was then the most difficult engineering course to get into and chemical Engineers get to earn big bucks next time (the oil market was booming then). In university, it was the first time I’d realise how much I can suck at something and how ill disciplined I was. Lectures were boring and I did not do well in large groups. There was no TYSes and rote learning simply did not work anymore. For the first time in my life, I’d felt like a failure.

I eventually managed to get by university and graduate, but I had such low self esteem when it came to finding a job because of my third class honours degree. I struggled and by a stroke of luck, got into Keppel. It was sort of my turning point in life, because it meant working in an MNC which was deemed as prestigious and as an outfit superintendent, I measured my success by being able complete constructing the rig in the shortest time.

I started thinking about my life again as I was talking to my O level student on “what she wants to do in her life in future” and it made me realise how pathetic my life has been the past 29 years. As I was speaking to her on to topic of “the future”, I wondered how my life would have changed had I sincerely been interested in something. As I questioned her to probe further into thinking about her future, I questioned my meaning in life too.

Measuring your worth by grades and successes is one of the worst thing to do in life, because at the end of the day, all these things are so transient. When all these are over, what’s left is just your own empty shell. It took me so long to finally understand myself and I now know what is more suitable for me. I now hope I dare to make the next step to find a sense of satisfaction and meaning in life. Also, I hope that as I parent my children, I’d be able to help them identify themselves and discover who/what they are. I hope they won’t have to take 29 years to finally reach self actualization.

Growing up together

Moments like these put a smile on my face as I recall the tough moments prior to these.

I still remember when I first brought Jayrius home. Jayden was over zealous and excited. He would want to see didi, but couldn’t accept the fact that the attention that used to be 100% his had to be shared now. He would want to be with didi, but couldn’t understand why didi would cry when he came (didi was just tired, hungry or needed a diaper change?). He would want to play with didi and purposely wake him up, which only angered us parents. He would poke didi and couldn’t control his strength. He would want daddy to carry whenever daddy carried didi, then all of a sudden, he rejected me. We knew that emotions were heightened. We expected jealousy, but we could never fathom the reactions and consequences that from Jayden that came about.

Many well meaning parents told us that it was normal and that we should spend more 1-1 time with the older one because they are emotionally more well developed. I did. I promised I did. I would send and pick Jayden to and fro school and even outsources bedtime routine to the helper just to spend alone time with Jayden after school, but it was draining and his appetite for my attention was insatiable. The moment I was with didi, he would be seemingly upset. Explanations fell to deaf ears and Jayden was always trying all means to get our attention. I was angry and irritated and there was a point where I felt that I hated being with Jayden. I felt like a terrible mum, but I couldn’t help feeling so angry with him. I would be with him, but would dread that time with him because he was just whiny, fussy and demanding. My body was with him, but my soul wasn’t. I was just angry. 1 month, then 2 months and things weren’t improving. I was still constantly annoyed. I was there with him, but I wasn’t connecting.

I wondered if his behaviour was a result of the arrival of a new sibling or the terrible twos, then I searched through different parenting groups for similar situations and found the answer. His behaviour was a result of me and I was the only one who could help him.

It was enlightening. I had read that when a child turns 2, they hit a developmental milestone emotionally, physically etc. I’d realise that all of a sudden, Jayden was picking things up so quickly. He was able to communicate with us all that he wanted, but I wasn’t willing to listen. I had wanted things to go my way because I wanted things to be easier for myself. However, because of that, every single moment with Jayden was a struggle and it was a constant battle of who would give in. Of course, I eventually got my way when I decide to force my way through all the cries, tantrums physically struggle etc. I would be left drained, exhausted and tired emotionally and physically. Only I could salvage the situation. When I realised that, I seemingly found the much needed patience to go through all these with Jayden, something which we lost when Jayden started behaving this way. It was like a vicious cycle. He started behaving terribly and we in turn tried to control and behaved badly then he got worse etc. After reading that post, I found the much needed patience to go through all these huge overwhelming emotions with Jayden.

We now always ask him to choose between me helping you or for you to help yourself. We now make it a point to always ask him before we make a decision. We now always remember to tell him the things that are going to happen step by step prior to doing something so he expects them. We seem to have known all these all along, but lost them on the way when we started getting angry with Jayden. The need to “rein” him in was so strong that I had forgotten how much of a mind of his own Jayden has.

3 months later and now 4, things have improved by leaps and bounds. Jayden is back to normal and in fact has been so much better than before. He has mature so much that I am so proud of how sensible and loving he actually is.

Just wanted to share an incident – didi was lying down on a stroller and a leaf fell onto him. Jayden quickly picked up the leaf and threw it away and made sure if disappeared. He seemingly felt that the leaf was hurting didi. Then didi cried and Jayden said, “Mummy, quickly pick didi up. Didi is crying.”

It helps that he communicates so much now and is able to tell us his emotions and what he wants so we can have a proper conversation with him. Didi adores him and always looks up to him. I hope they will always grow up well tgt! Well, I feel like I have grown up together with them too!

Like a Merlion

“Mummy Mummy! I brushed my teeth and gurgled my mouth, then I spit it out. Like a Merlion.” Jayden exclaimed to me when he saw the Merlion picture at Changi Airport today. My 2 year old is just so adorable!

Code switch

We went to the supermarket to shop for groceries today and Jayden helped to pick out the avocados to put them into the plastic bag. We counted the avocados together before placing them into the bag. “One, two, three etc”. When the bag got full, we’d pour the avocados out and he’d exclaim, “Magic!”

We repeated the counting again and again, “One, two, trois, quatre” Jayden said, before the two of us burst out into laughter. He had just said three and four in French. Guess the constant counting in various languages have been ingrained inside Jayden’s brain.

Here’s him posing with the avocados!